No children allowed! PTSD


No children allowed! PTSD


On my Dutch blog I already gave info about the fact that rapist Jan van Beek didn’t want me to have my own children and secretly made me infertile! I knew nothing and so we thought we had our own children!

The fact that our family in 1972 decided not to tell us, and the conspiracy and cover-up from the Ministry of Justice not to prosecute the rapist and therefore in fact help(!) those rapist, made us unaware of what was happening. Both our dissociation, severe suppression and amnesia made it impossible to file charges for rapes we didn’t know about afterwards! My wife even  developed an extra emotional personality and until this day she refuses to believe that the children are not mine, but from three different rapist. Which is easy to see! But her brain tells her they look like me! And of course her sisters and all family also betray her and tell her I am delusional and she has never been raped! Without telling me and including me, her husband! No transparency at all for me her husband! Therefore I lost my high level position as an ‘Executive searcher’ and lost 140.000 euro a year in income. Had to live off an disability insurance allowance since 2004 of over 50.000 at first but going up 4% each year until 62.000 in 2012/13.

In 2000 I found out and slowly got my suppressed memories back, but all denied! So I thought I was delusional at first. Until I found out I was not delusional, but the victim of the crime of the century! Or Dutch Queengate.

After in 2009 asking for asylum in Miami Florida, I was sent back as there was not enough proof the Dutch government was involved. This was a big blow to my mental health and therefore caused even more dissociation and suppression for me, but I didn’t know that at first! So I thought I was doing oke, but I wasn’t! PTSD is a hidden unknown enemy.

That I was brainwashed to forget and avoid woman and any solution, I didn’t know than.

See also my next post Brainwashed by the Dutch secret service!

I now know the following happened in 2010 or so!

I met a nice couple in a bar in Benidorm who listened to my unbelievable story! She understood English, he didn’t!

The guy who only spoke Spanish, mentioned my wish to find a woman who would give me two or three children, on the internet somewhere in Benidorm! And the fact I would pay the woman for the rest of her life with a nice villa and pool. She would not have to work anymore, if I would win my case!

He later mentioned this to me by phone, but as I only spoke English, German and Dutch well enough, I didn’t understand what he was talking about! I know now he mentioned it and that I could be found in this bar!

And several times when I was there, strange enough woman were getting very close to me, but never talked to me! He had told them NOT to contact me, but wait for me to do the first step! But not knowing what was going on, I thought they were hookers trying to get me into bed or so. Many beautiful woman were trying to contact me, but I stood there like an idiot not understanding what was really going on! I was not there to ask a woman to have my child! But they must have thought I was there to chose a woman! So it was one big misunderstanding of me just having a drink, and the woman waiting for me to act and chose a woman! Also I didn’t speak Spanish! Learning was impossible because of my PTSS. I could not concentrate enough!

If they would have normally talked to me, for sure I would have found a woman to have my child! I had the money for it then with 60.000 euro income a year and 200.000 euro on a Swiss bank account!

My suppression of anything to do with woman will have been also a big handicap! Anything to do with a woman and relationship would immediately cause my subconscious brain to slow down and I would stare and not be able to have a normal conversation anymore. Only a woman who would know that I had this handicap of having been severely traumatized with my girlfriend later wife, would be able to understand what was going on and could have simply start talking about anything but a relationship! Then it would have been oke after a while! I have had these contacts later in Jalon, and it was not a big problem! But even there anything about a relation or children, would cause me to avoid it! Without realizing it myself at first!

This must have happened more in the later years!

A sister of the guy in 2010 or so even offered to help me and instantly go with me to my home! But that fact caused my stupid subconscious brain to slow down again, and worse, to avoid her! After her brother telling me about her generous offer, I understood what was happening and even warned him that I would avoid it with my severe suppression. But he didn’t understand my English! And nobody was there to translate what I tried to tell him!

But I focused and started talking to her, and to try to make a normal conversation, would offer her a drink first! Stupid! I only walked a few meters to the bartender and ordered not two, but one(!) drink! I forgot talking to her in the few seconds a walked to this bartender! He even told me, you need two drinks as he saw the beautiful woman waiting for me! Causing her and her brother and more to laugh about me! They of course didn’t understand my suppression and thought I was NOT interested in this woman! And again I stood there like an idiot watching them walk away!

And I was an idiot! This was a beautiful young woman who knew about my my case, and was trying to help me! Even by leaving her family and moving in at my place in Jalon! I remember this only now in July 2014! Therefore I mention this in case others know her and maybe could tell her about it. I am very sorry about it of course. She will have a partner now and I hope she is happy, but when I can find her I would like to tell her and I may be able to help her later.

She would have been able to help me! I saw her later and asked her to help me! I need help I told her! But again I even avoided her and walked away! She could have been the one to ease my pain and start a healing process! That would have been crucial! Children would have been possible after a while her brother thought!

Later in Jalon something like that happened again! A lesbian couple would like to talk to me, but I went to another bar, even after making the appointment! Again I suppressed and avoided it without realizing it with my normal brain!

Also a Dutch girl/woman tried to talk to me, and did talk to me at a happy hour in Jalon. But nobody warned me that she was there to look if she could help me and maybe even give me a child! But the friends I had who knew that I suppressed everything told me days before and even warned me again! But I forgot/suppressed all about it. So again I was there just for a drink and small talk, while she was there trying to contact me and wanting to stay with me! So I was sitting there with no priority! Had I known and understood better what was going on, I would have tried to have a normal conversation with her and she would have been my priority of course! She was with a Dutch couple I knew, and I was even offered to come for dinner with this girl/woman present of course! But I had an other arrangement for diner which I would have canceled instantly if I only knew, she was interested in me and specially came to see and talk with me! Afterwards my ‘friends’ told me they knew and asked me why I didn’t give her a better chance! I angry cursed them for NOT telling me upfront, but they did as we found out talking it over! The title of my book is still to the point! ‘Fighting the Unknown!’

Many times more this happened.

An important fact happened in 2010 with a girl in Benidorm also, but I will make a special post about that later.

The fact that this nice guy in Benidorm had told everybody NOT to start talking to me, was the big problem, as I would never start talking from myself with my suppression/fear for woman in general! My brain slows down and I become almost a zombie. Subconscious my brain compares the situation with what happened to my girlfriend and tries to avoid it. And I didn’t speak Spanish, while he thought I did enough! Also I had not enough money to start a new marriage. I will reward him and her if possible later.

People like me with PTSD or PTSS need very direct clear information to be reached! Talking around the matter doesn’t work at all! Only direct focus will work.

I desperate need information to solve this horrifying sequence of crimes against us!

Suffering since 1972!

We suffer immensely since that time while they(criminals) took advantage of my weakness of not having enough information! I still don’t have the money to buy a car or do anything else! All I have is a suitcase with some old clothes! And nowhere to go for help.

I have another story which was a big blow to my already battered brain what happened during the summer of 2010. It caused 4 years of suppression, so it was a big blow again and that just after having spent 28 weeks in detention in Miami Florida to try to get asylum. I remembered it just now in July. Also a beautiful girl involved and an Ukrainian crook. An unbelievable story about which I will make a special Post later. I lost a big chance to solve my case much earlier. And a chance on an 300.000 advance to sell my book. But I will wait some time, to get my book part 4 finished now. Working on it. Could be ready by the end of September as only the last chapters need to be added. The rest was ready a long time.

Again I only found out these crucial facts clearly now in July 2014. Four years after the facts. I stopped using beta-blockers. And half a year after being deported back to Netherlands and denied asylum for the second time! Traumatizing circumstances of course for me. Healing slowly! My former amnesia and severe suppression of all traumatic incidents, has never been treated as nobody in the Netherlands believes my story and the fact those who do know, are hiding it to prevent them from being sued for it. My suffering is no problem for them! It helps their case of hiding.

So the asylum case 2009 and being deported back to Netherlands, was making things worse in 2010. More suppression!  I was completely alone in Spain, with no help from anyone! Very depressed! The same to a point with my second asylum case in 2013/14. Again a big blow to my already traumatized brain! Only now after half a year I start getting memories about those crucial happenings which would have changed my life completely.

I would have had a woman who understood my pain/suppression and enough money, for my brain to heal! I could have had two children maybe! Solving my case would have been much much easier also! A child could have been 3 years old. My wife wants to divorce me for many years now, so it would have been possible legally too.

Would my brain now be much better after remembering it? If only they would try again? A woman again trying to help me? After winning my case I would try to get her a villa with pool, enough money to raise the children and not having to work for the rest of her live, and the child some money too of course! The Dutch ow me that. Damage payments would be millions!

But still the woman would have to contact me. I can’t go around asking woman if they would give me a child at my age! They would slap me in the face. And my suppression makes that very difficult for me. Only woman who understand my pain and suppression to avoid the pain, will be able to have a normal contact with me, and after a few hours or days I would be able to have a relation with them.

I am now 66 years old, still possible. Could have my sperm checked and it is possible to have it analysed and only take the perfect one! I prefer a girl.

O, I am so stupid! suppressing a conversation with his beautiful sister offering herself more or less to help me! Later I heard she even cried after me asking her to help me, but then later avoiding her because of my severe suppression! Had she been ugly or not my type, it would not have happened. But she was exactly the right type for me. My god if only I had a normal brain with no PTSS. And nobody will notice anything when I am normal talking and acting! We had a lot of fun in Spain! Only with woman/relations I suppress and try to avoid it! But after a few hours getting to know each other, I would be oke! Once I know the woman and can normally talk to her, I have no problems! Or much less.

More later, but had to tell these crucial facts! Who knows I get a second chance? Anyone interested? She should be the blond, slim with small breast, very natural type who would like to walk on slippers and almost without make-up. Charming nice warm personality. See also my Dutch Posts about it. Geen eigen kinderen.

Things with my wife go worse and worse now. No money to live on two places! 27.000 euro/year is only enough to live at one place. And she refuses to go with me to Spain. And I would get millions if I could win my case! I only need publicity. And we fight each other too much! She cannot let it go, and I have to win my case first! When are you accepting you are insane she keeps telling me tries to prevent me from writing about it. I need to finish my book now. She is unaware still going and talking to our enemies! She likes them, and is starting to hate me more and more! Horrifying.  I will have to leave her soon to prevent me from breaking mentally, but she will be here alone than.

If I would go back to Spain, or another place, could I get a second chance? 

Hans Smedema, temporarily in Drachten Netherlands, but soon moving back to Spain, I hope!